bonkbonk

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:40:05 GMT

I had a dream about you. You climbed on top of me and I felt your weight there as if it were yesterday that we were laying in grass making each other laugh. I still have our notebook. I read it sometimes. We had a similar style of writing. I wish I could talk to you about these things, not to try to get back into your heart because -- do I even need to say "because"? No, I don't think so. -- but I can't.

Man, fuck this shit.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:08:40 GMT

Oh, hey there.

This is just to say that I now have a beautiful, large apartment in Spanish Harlem. The dude and I are moving in on or around July 1. I wish my Spanish were--well, I wish my Spanish *existed*, but if nothing else, I really wish I were more immediately recognizable as Puerto Rican. I know that sounds awful, but there it is. You can't spend a couple days there without seeing that it's important to blend in.

But it is in a BLUE! brownstone and it has huge windows and the street is so vibrant and you can smell delicious home-cooked PR nomnoms as soon as you get out of the subway. I know it will be hard and strange for a while, adjusting to city life in Harlem of all places, but honestly, I'm extremely glad we're living there and not, say, in the financial district, where everything is gentrified and just dull in its niceness. This neighborhood is so buzzing and colorful (literally--all the buildings are painted in really bright colors) and God bless it, so full of LIFE. And the word is that neighbors look out for each other, which makes me feel good and seems like something that you wouldn't find as much in the glossier parts of Manhattan.

Sooo we'll see how this goes! Over and out.

Wed, 13 May 2009 21:18:57 GMT

The end of it is, I feel as though I've done nothing right, as though all of my attempts are half-assed, and the worst part about it, the very worst part about it, is that I have no one to blame but my goddamned self for not being enough of anything, for only ever being enough to get by. This is the first time I've known sadness that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I could call it a step forward, but it just feels like I'm digging a deeper ditch.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:32:38 GMT

THIS JUST IN: Sex, It's Here to Stay!

Last column.

Thoughts later.

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 20:48:37 GMT

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4421983/Women-with-large-chins-are-more-likely-to-cheat.html

pie toss?

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 04:44:12 GMT

Liana,

On Wednesday, April 29th, the brothers of Alpha Epsilon Pi will be holding our third annual "A E Pie Toss" event on Ho Plaza. Volunteers, including professors, athletes, Daily Sun columnists, and more, will be sitting at a table on Ho Plaza, where members of the Cornell community can pay a small entry fee to toss a whipped-cream-filled pie tin at them. All the proceeds from the event will go to Chai Lifeline an international children’s health support organization that provides crucial emotional, social, and financial assistance to seriously ill children, their families, and communities..

The event lasts from 10:30AM to 4:30PM, with 13 half hour time slots for the volunteers. We would be delighted if you could join us as a volunteer to sit in for one or two time slots and help us to raise money at our event.

Jenna did it last year, and it really helped out our cause.

Sincerely,
AEPi Philanthropy Chair

Hmmm. Interesting. Should I do it? Would YOU throw a pie at me to help some kids out?

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:55:01 GMT

A Horse Named Taboo

Second-to-last column.

... heh heh.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:50:10 GMT

Today I went to a talk given by a leading member of "Feminists" for "Life" called "Abortion: A Betrayal of Feminism."

I was so angry following the "dialogue" that I went and grabbed a pitcher with two friends I randomly came across in Collegetown.

My brain is on fire. Every negative thought I had about this kind of organization/person was proven. I want to scream, and then cry, for the hundreds of thousands of women throughout the world who are denied access to abortion.

I will flesh out my thought later. Right now my hands are frozen and my mind is too frantically reeling.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:07:54 GMT

PS This is the cutest and most heart-warming picture I have ever seen. Ever.

Le happy sigh.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:22:48 GMT

OK. Here we go. (Note: lots of run-on sentences. I'm sorry.)

Since my "the sky is falling" post, things have turned around. The very next day, I found a job that I really want (working on my app now), figured out my schoolwork, had a really wonderful and honest conversation with Andrew, and took a step back from my own bullshit to realize that, although I am lonely a lot of the time and feel like I have no one, I do have people who care about my well being and love me. So there's that.

This weekend I had some time to think. I realize, simply, that I like drama. We've known this for a while, durr. I have a penchant for exacerbating my own problems in my head until they seem insurmountable and the kernel of this, if I'm being really honest with myself, is that there is something undeniably delicious (and painful and terrible and fucked up and sad, et cetera) and self-indulgent about wallowing. About waking up, feeling like I can't get out of bed, and then--knowing that all I have to do is get the fuck up, it's not that big of a deal, just move your fucking legs--staying in bed, staying in that place of extraordinary emotion because if I don't, I'll actually have to confront a situation for what it is. And it is easier to stay in bed, in my hovel of cushy safety and warmth, covered in lots of soft stuff and staining my sheets and pillows with eye makeup--it's easier to do that than it is to take a deep breath, throw off the comforter, and swing my legs over the side. If I do that, I have to deal with things. Class. Work. Roommates. People in my life who love me and are concerned. The rest of my life. It seems so fucking heavy when I'm looking at it from a tiny space between the sheets that only allows for a tunnel-vision view of the enormity of my flaws and issues.

I tend to vacillate between thinking that my problems are massive, getting better, and thinking retrospectively that they were nothing. They were not and are not nothing. Nor were they ground-shakingly terrible. I have to constantly remind myself to look at things in perspective. Yes, moving to NYC is horrifying, but it's also really exciting. Yes, moving in with my boyfriend and living a monogamous life makes me anxious, but I couldn't imagine a better person to embark on this journey with. Which leads me to...

Monogamy! When I talk to people about it, I tend to infuse more dramatic, anxious tones than I truly feel. People say, "Monogamy, huh?" And I say, "Oh my god, I'm so scaaaaaared" and rattle on about how "Gosh, I don't know about this..." But really: I DO know about this. I'm a little nervous. And that's all. I'm not a monogamous person. This does not mean I don't think I can do it, because I know I can--and I will. But if my mind changes somewhere down the line, he and I will have that conversation. And it won't be frivolous or on a whim. I care about him too much for that. If I'm going to be monogamous, I'm happy it's with him.

Nothing anyone says will ever convince me that consensual non-monogamy with a partner is wrong (in fact, you'd have a hard time convincing me that it's always wrong to cheat on a partner, but that's a whole other topic and completely unrelated to this one). And no one will ever convince me that either lifestyle is "good" or "bad" for me. Similarly, I'm not going to make those kinds of serious, invasive judgment calls on anyone else. It is what it is. We live our lives as best we can. I love Andrew beyond butterflies in the stomach and episodes of wild sex. I can see something very real and long-lasting with him. Maybe it's not for life. Maybe it is. Who knows? But I'm about to move in with him in a strange and awe-some city. We are going to have to rely on each other more than we ever have. In a phrase, shit is about to get real in a variety of different ways and smack in the middle of it all is this relationship that happens to be the most stable one I've ever had. It is going to be insane and difficult and incredible. I'm not going to pretend like I don't have my doubts every now and again, because I do, and I think that's a very human thing that we often deny ourselves. But I never doubt my love for him and his for me, and that will take us where it will for the time being. I can't wait to see where we end up.

I had forgotten how therapeutic and helpful it is to put my thoughts down in writing. Now I'm going to start in on a cover letter and try to make myself look as impressive as possible. Eek!

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:41:03 GMT

Lots of things to write about, which I probably won't, but: The Vagina Monologues happened and are over FINALLY but there is still drama, I got the worst sickness I have had in years and years immediately following and missed a week of classes, I went to Montreal for a bit of Spring Break and had fun, and then I went to NYC and CT.

It's the last bit I want to write about now, because it is scary! We (Andrew and I) are beginning an apartment hunt in NYC. He just took a job that starts tomorrow outside of the City (leave it to him to want to live IN the city and commute OUT of it), so we're looking at apartments now. We went to one place in East Harlem--yes I said HARLEM, our options are limited here--and the pictures on Craigslist were NOT pictures of the apartment, which I guess is why it's so important to see a place in person. Anyway, the space itself was actually kind of nice, spacious bathroom and pretty good-sized common area/kitchen, but then the guy goes, "Some people think the bedroom is pretty small." And we walk into the "bedroom" and you literally couldn't fit any more than a double bed in it. The guy said, "Some people put the bed out here and use that room as a closet." No kidding. It really hit me how ridiculous it is to live in NYC, paying thousands for a postage stamp.

I just got some photos of a beautiful apartment a couple blocks away from that other one, and I am really hoping they are true to life because the price is right and the building is nice and the surrounding area looks pleasant on Google maps. So Andrew is going to view it this week and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that there is no catch. I mean there must be, but it would be nice for there not to be. It's probably like a beautiful apartment right above a meth lab or some shit. Boy oh boy.

I am crazy behind in my classes now, after having missed a week straight. The one time I decide to be an over-achiever and take on an extra-credit scene for my acting class, I fucking get the plague and can't go to class or meet to rehearse. Fucking sucks. But whatever, I will pick my shit up and figure it all out.

I am horrified to graduate. I have no real marketable skills beyond excellent verbal and written communication (and even that's dubious sometimes), and I have no brain for anything practical. And I'm moving to fucking New York City, the most expensive place in this damn country, on what? A whim and a prayer? Fuck me, dude, things are not looking so bright. It's gonna be lean living for a while and beyond that, I'll still have to figure out what I'm going to do with the next two years or so of my life. Today my father said, "You don't seem like right now you have the drive to puruse writing, so you should explore other options for the time being." I don't have the DRIVE to pursue something that I am reasonably good at. Granted, it's a love-hate relationship, but come on. Guh. Angst!

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 11:13:46 GMT

i LOVE you!

now to bed.

smiles.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:17:20 GMT

Circle Circle, Dot Dot: Now You've Got Your Cootie Shot

Heh.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:30:06 GMT

Someone just messaged me offering me a role in a play about two ex-strippers who go on a killing spree, whose victims are men they pick up from pro-life rallies.

There is something divinely fucked up and beautiful in that this person said, "I thought it would be right up your alley."

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:29:00 GMT

Aw man, so last year's sex columnist wrote on my Facebook wall after my last column. She was the executive director of the Monologues last year, so she was pretty upset about the whole debacle. ANYWAY, I just went back and looked at her wall after I wrote on it, and someone left this comment:

Ohhhh how I miss you!!!! The sex columnist sucks dick and not in the way she's supposed to!!! I don't even think there has been an article actually about sex!!! A part of me dies everytime I read her articles....and I vom a little in my mouth...and god makes an 18 wheeler splattter a puppy. You must write an exposé for The Sun and let the good people of Cornell have their needs satiated!! Save us from ourselves!!!!

It used to be that when I read negative comments I would get a kind of sick feeling in my stomach, you know, every mean thing was a major broach of my verrrrrry thin skin. But I read this, felt a little sad, and then just kind of shook it off. I don't know if more insidiously mean comments sting me harder, but this kid just seems like he's trying too hard. He's THAT upset that I'm not writing porn? Sounds like he's a little too into the Sun. And by that I mean his dick. Wrapped in the Sun. While he beats off. HEYO.

... I'm sorry.

(No I'm not.)

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 13:59:08 GMT

A response to my column from Ken Clarke, president of CURW.

To the Editor: New space, same commitment to the Monologues

... Yeah, whatever, dude.

Also, a web page that archives this struggle and is only one example of the outpouring of support we've received:

http://cornellactivism.org/Monologues

If you're reading this--whether I know you well or not, on my friends list or not--and anything about this issue upsets you, PLEASE write a letter to Ken Clarke at kic2 at cornell.edu expressing that this is UNACCEPTABLE. Trying to pretend that this is about anything other than close-minded people maintaining a giant (pointless, I should add!) gap between sexuality and faith is NOT going to stop this fight. Please write a letter letting him know that we're not going to roll over and quietly accept a half-hearted attempt at compromise without exposing this situation for what it is. It doesn't have to be long or beautifully written. Every bit counts.

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:02:34 GMT

Ahh! Real Pussy Monsters Attack!

Forgive the title. There's a podcast of the article at the bottom, so you can hear the words straight from Yours Truly. I have to say, I really enjoyed doing that part.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 23:51:39 GMT

I. Fucking. Hate. PETA.

But otherwise, Happy V-Day, y'all--consumerist, heteronormative bullshit aside!

The biggest thing that makes me cranky about Valentine's Day?

Flowers. What kind of bullshit fucked-upedness made us think that every woman is going to see a rose and shit her pants with glee? If my boyfriend gave me flowers on Valentine's Day (and we'll forgive him for last year, because he didn't know), I'd be touched for about five seconds. Flowers are the go-to gift for women--and that makes them thoughtless. I'm not saying all flowers, all women, all occasions, no. But *I* would know that if anyone gave me flowers, unless they grew it themselves and had some phenomenal, heart-string-plucking thought behind it, they weren't thinking about me. They were thinking, "This is what all women like, right?" Plus, sometimes a gift of flowers for a lady is a gift of sadness for the environment. Boo.

HOWEVER, I do love chocolate. But I do not like chocolate that comes in stupid fucking hearts, and why? BECAUSE YOU CAN FIT MORE GODDAMN CHOCOLATE INTO A RECTANGLE. Also, those hearts are just obnoxious.

Whether or not I like Valentine's Day itself, I love love! V-Day is a wonderful concept in theory, but in practice it's gotten a little sheisty. Bastards!

Chocolate...

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 13:13:35 GMT

Support Your Local Breasts

This is the first article that I've been truly proud of in quite a while, for its structure and its synthesis of information. Maybe I'll learn that saying so is a curse. I'll run with it for now. They messed up some of the wording, which is always irritating, but it's probably not that noticeable to anyone else.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:29:13 GMT

In which snow-sports enthusiasts discuss ...me?

The Internet is a very strange place.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:45:00 GMT

So this happened....

Gettin' Jizzy With It

...Yup.

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:01:15 GMT

Aw MAN my editor really shoulda told me masturbation's been written about in the Sun this semester already--I guess that means next semester I'll have to actually *gulp* read it so I don't look like a jerk-off again. Eeeek! bahaha

Still tired. Fuck off.

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 11:39:54 GMT

Go (Verb) Yourself

I'm... I'm so tired.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:02:04 GMT

The latest: Any Way You Want It

I'm never sending my editor something without a title again.

SHOCK(ER) WAVES.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 23:13:18 GMT

Hey sillies!

If you want to hear me on a student radio show hosted by three dudebros drunkenly discussing a bunch of stuff, go to sloperadio.com and stream the show. It's called "What George Bush Told Me" and is tonight from 9-10pm.

It is guaranteed to be ridiculously inane at best, and I can't guarantee I'm going to be completely lucid. WOO!